Thursday, May 14, 2009

Guys are people too

Depending on the amount of days we will be at a school, we give students the opportunity to ask anonymous questions which we will answer in class. 

Sometimes we get cool this...

Occasionally we get more random pictures which make us smile

More often, though, students reveal deep concerns and worries. Today I thought I'd share with you a recent question and its source might surprise you. I have purposely omitted the student's name but here's the surprise.

It's from a guy. 

WHAT? I thought guys didn't have any feelings? I thought guys were all just pervs!

Read this and then tell me what you think...

Guys are people too! Having sex is a big deal. Doing sexual things with a person is intense. 

Here are five things to consider:

1. Guys can get pressured too. In the heat of a moment, a guy's body can certainly be saying "GO FOR IT!!!" and a guy's heart can be thinking that having sex is an ok thing. Isn't it interesting? A lot of girls think that guys don't care and that all they want is ONE thing. 

2. Have friendships with people of the opposite sex and don't worry about having a bf/gf. This allows guys and girls to get to know each other without all the pressure of having a "relationship."

3. Spend time with girls and guys together in a public setting. Do fun things together but avoid situations where you would be alone and find yourself tempted again. 

4. Have accountability with a parent, pastor, or other trusted adult. Allow them permission to ask you how you are doing with these things. Believe it or not, this can give you a measure of safety and confidence. 

5. Think carefully about the kind of people you are attracting. If they are the kind of people who will pressure you into doing things you don't want to do, are they really worth your time? 

Any other ideas or opinions are appreciated! We'd love to hear from you! 

How Life Changed...

I’ll be honest. This is probably the most embarrassing part of my story. Putting it all together and seeing the effects… it just makes me sad. Why did I do all of these things? All for some guy that I thought was cute?

Somehow my life completely went upside down and I became this strange, miserable version of myself.

This first graph is a visual of how my life was before I started dating that guy in high school.

The numbers on the left are just for the graph. They don’t really mean anything but they help complete the graph…

Oh, and btw, this is my first attempt at making graphs in Excel! I did pretty well, right? 

Well, if you have seen some of my pictures you will know I wasn’t the hottest thing around. But I had some friends and I was happy with it.

Popularity: My popularity was alright. Not scum of the earth, I guess I was somewhere in the middle.

Parties: The parties I went to were mostly chick flicks and watching popcorn with my girls. I lied a little about my grades. I was not a good student but I don’t recommend lying about anything because they always find out!!
My family life was alright. Had some issues and still do but all in all, it was alright.

This next graph is of my life with that guy and a little bit after we dated.

What do you notice?
A lot different, right?
My popularity went up because if you remember he was a cute, popular football player. I started hanging out with all the athletes and cheerleaders. But I became known for doing all those other things. I got called the icky names like a “garden utensil” among others.
The parties I was going to now were no longer chick flicks. They were parties where people drank alcohol and had sex. So this is why the drinking section of my life went up.
I was lying to my parents about everything. I did not want them to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing…
So my family life went down. I hung out with my boyfriend all the time and never wanted to be around my family for fear they would find out the truth.

There are two things this graph does not tell you.
I never got pregnant.
I never got a disease.

But like I said earlier, I became a strange miserable version of myself. I was not happy! I was probably the furthest from happy I have ever been. I thought this guy would make me feel good about myself but in reality, I felt worse. After we broke up it hit harder. I felt disgusting and unworthy of anything good.
My stupid habits stayed the same for a little longer.

But then something happened…

Monday, April 20, 2009


If you haven’t met her yet, I’d like to introduce you to LaFonduh.
LaFonduh is a lovely girl and she desperately wants to fall in love. She is the:
The Popular Cheerleader
The Unseen Poet
The Quiet Genius and
The Rocker Chick
She is short.
She is tall.
She is gorgeous
and she is plain.
Sadly, she is often
Every Girl.
LaFonduh quickly falls in love 
with guys at different schools. It doesn’t take long for LF to attach herself to a guy.

The more sexual stuff she does with a guy, the tighter the grip and the harder LF falls. Kissing, making out, whatever, LF is sure she is ready, certain that this guy is THE one and so she gives a little bit more of herself until she’s given everything away.
When that relationship doesn’t last, LF quickly surveys her school for the available guys. She’s on the prowl again, looking for a new boy to love and so the pattern repeats itself.
If you haven’t noticed, LaFonduh is a piece of tape; a piece of transparent packing tape but honestly she symbolizes what we see all the time as we go out and speak in schools about sex and stuff.
Although LaFonduh is tape, she really exists, if you know what I mean.
And when LF gets dumped, parts of her and that guy are left behind. She’s got some of him on her; he’s got some of her on him. There are tiny pieces of each other still left.
You should see how eager the guys are to get rid of clingy LaFonduh. She has turned
jealous and obsessive. She drives the poor guy crazy! Her whole world revolves around him and he feels like he can’t even breathe!
Recently when we were speaking in a school, one of the teenage guys ripped LF off his arm so fast you could hear the hairs being torn off. He was really hairy and look at what he left on LF. Ew!
And as gross as it is seeing all that hair, honestly, for some students, the residue left behind is far more intense and physical…pregnancy, sexual transmitted diseases and infections. 

Hooking up with someone is not as carefree as some would like you to believe. 
Sex, making out, really everything in between is a big deal. Kissing, touching, messing around, even doing sexual things with another person it's kind of like tape. It connects people and when a relationship is over, the stuff left behind is emotional…heartbreak, embarrassment,
and regret. 

In our next post, I’ll share with you a story, edited for privacy reasons, of what recently happened to a girl who has felt like LaFonduh in real life.
You are worth waiting for. Sex is a big deal.  Tell us what you think. Do you have a story and want to share? Write us and leave a comment.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Now What?? - Chapter 3 of B.A.'s Story

So then what happened?

In my previous post, Chapter 2, I left off last with my attempt to confront my father since he learned that my boyfriend and I were having sex. I went into my dad’s room, slightly hyperventilating, almost begging for him to ground me or something to get it all over with.

Do you remember what he did instead? I’m standing in front of him… he wouldn’t even look at me. He just looked at the floor for a while and simply said, “Maybe we’ll talk tomorrow.”

What do you think is worse, when your parents say they’re angry with you or they’re disappointed in you? When I share my story with students, feel worse when their parents say they’re disappointment. Parents have a standard for us and it stinks when we feel like we have completely let them down. My dad was so quiet and distant with me. I was deeply distressed.

It was only 4:00 or 5:00 pm and I knew it was going to be a long night. I trudged down the hall and went in to my room. Then I called my boyfriend. “We’re in big trouble, Dad found out!” I screeched on the phone. “Oh, crap! What did he do?” he bumbled and I replied, “Nothing. Dad’s not looking at me or talking to me. He might talk to me tomorrow. He might kill me tomorrow… he’s definitely going to kill you soon.”

This was a pivotal moment because his response revealed my boyfriend’s true character. Do you think he said something like, “It’s okay, Babe. We’ll get through this together”? Even though you don’t know him I bet you can figure it out. His basic reaction was this, “Well… are we done? …Is it over?”

I didn’t really know what to say because I couldn’t really believe what I was hearing. I started to think to myself… well, I guess our relationship IS only based on sex… but hopefully we can stay together and work on all that other stuff. So I said, “I don’t think we need to break up but I’ll call you after my dad talks to me tomorrow.”

We did not break up on the phone but we had no clue what was around the corner. My life was changing, spinning out of control. I hated nearly everything about my life.

The next morning, after a fretful night of sleep, I woke up and approached my dad’s room. I was exhausted, nervous and anxious about what my dad would say since he basically hadn’t said anything to me since the night before.

I began my hyperventilating/talking thing again and this time he told me he had just cut the grass and he’d talk to me after he washed all the grass clippings off in the shower. I sat on the edge of his bed and waited for what seemed like an eternity. When he finally came and talked to me he did not make me break off the relationship. But he had an idea.

My dad decided that any time I wasn’t at school and he wasn’t at work we would be buddies. My dad started going everywhere with me. If my boyfriend asked me out, my dad went with us. Every teenage guy’s dream, right? NOT!

But, realistically that didn’t happen too often. My boyfriend wasn’t too thrilled about the three of us hanging out. So we didn’t see each other outside of school anymore. And how long do you think we lasted?

One hour?

A couple of weeks?

A lifetime?

Well, we broke up after a couple weeks of this new routine. I think we realized that we really had nothing in common and our relationship had no other foundation besides sex. I had not only lost my virginity but other things that were very precious to me…like the trust of my parents, self-respect and friends.

In my next post, I’ll show you graphs of my life. (PS. Things get better eventually!)


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Looking for my keys...Chapter 2 - B.A.'s Story

I’m sitting on my boyfriend’s couch and my cell phone rings. It was from my brother telling me to come home and move my car since it was blocking everyone in the driveway. No big deal, right? Not exactly…

My boyfriend drops me off at my house and I move my car. While I’m walking
 into the house, I run into my brother. He was on his way out and quickly said, “Hey, Dad’s upset about something… I don’t know what it is, but I’ve gotta go, so good luck.” I’m thinking, gee, thanks. My dad and I are close so I told my brother I’d just go talk to him and see what was up.

I was on my way up to my dad’s room to talk to him I ran into my mom on the stairs. She had this really serious look on her face….. one of those looks where you see a parent and you’re just like, uh-oh this isn’t going to be good. 

I could tell she wasn’t super angry or anything, it was just a serious moment. So my mom looks at me real seriously and quietly says, “Sweetie, I just want you to know….. your dad found some things in your room and now he knows what you and your boyfriend are doing.” I’ll go ahead and let you know that my dad found condoms and wrappers hidden in my room. My dad was in no way looking for evidence or anything. He was just looking for my car keys to move my car and suddenly my secret was revealed.

Standing on the stairs with my mother and the first thing that comes to mind is to fall down the stairs head-first. I wanted to die. I mostly wanted to confront my dad, get yelled at or grounded. Anything really would be all right with me, I just wanted to get it over with.

I thanked my mom for the warning and headed to my dad’s room again. By the way, when I get really nervous I forget to exhale. So with all the courage I could muster, I start talking to my dad…Words are coming out in short little bursts; kind of similar to someone really out of breath trying to tell a story. I had braced myself for the worst because I had no clue how my dad would react, I just knew it wasn’t going to be good. I was prepared for an explosion.But the problem was, my dad didn’t erupt with anger. Instead all I got was silence…What was I going to do?

Monday, March 9, 2009

We were just watching a movie...

I have always thought of myself as kind of an average girl. I have included a few pictures for your enjoyment and amusement. Feel free to giggle to yourself. I wasn’t exactly smoking/ hot or anything! I never dreamt of becoming a doctor or beauty queen, I just wanted to get through my day at school and talk to my best friend on the phone. We would talk about what some cute boy did at school that day or how many times we heard our favorite song on the way home from school. Then I would have dinner before doing homework and going to bed. My days were routine and I was completely okay with that.

I grew up in a family that moved every five years and we settled in a new town for middle school. Surprisingly, I survived those three years without much drama, no boyfriends, no dates or anything. I thought some guys were cute but that was about it.

But things gradually got more complicated in high school and sophomore year is when the pace became much faster.

One day, toward the end of my tenth grade year, a cute guy in one of my classes tapped me on the shoulder. Oh my gosh. I had no clue what he was going to say but I was excited that he wanted to talk to me. ME! So I was shocked that this popular, athletic guy wanted to speak to me in public. AND he actually asked me to go on a date. My face turned bright red and my jaw hit the floor. He casually asked me to grab some food and go see a movie.

Of course I said yes. I mean, hello, I was not about to turn down a popular, good looking football player! I was late to my next class because my best friend and I were celebrating in the stairwell… and I mean celebrating. When I told her who asked me out we were both jumping up and down, squealing like little girls. Needless to say, this was a big deal.

Our date was the typical dinner and movie thing. Nothing special. When asked me out again, of course I said yes. We dated the rest of sophomore year and through the summer. He was the only person I hung out with that summer. I was too much in love with him to pass up a second of time together. He often had football practice but other than that, we were always together.

Everything was going perfect or at least that I kept trying to believe. But I was changing and not for the better.

Toward the end of the summer we were hanging out at his parents’ house watching a movie in his room like normal when we started to make out. While the two of us were making out he kind of leans back to ask me something. I will never forget the look on his face. He looked at me and asked, “you wanna do it?”

Dream come true, right girls??

I actually thought about it for a minute. I sort of said to myself … well I really love him, we’ve been together for a while now, it would be really great if we got married…

So I said yes.

It wasn’t anything like the movies… it was awkward and embarrassing. His brother was in the next room. His parents were downstairs… Ew. But we were 15 and we snuck around. That’s a reality for a lot of teenagers.

Well, we dated throughout our junior year up to Spring Break. We went away on a trip with some friends and when we got home I dropped my bags off at my parents’ house. My boyfriend took me to his parents’ house and we were watching t.v. when I got a phone call. It was my big brother. He just said that my car was blocking the driveway and I needed to come home and move it. No big deal, right?

What I didn’t know is that phone call was going to change EVERYTHING…

Friday, November 7, 2008

Question from a Student

While speaking at a school recently, a student asked this question...

I thought it was a great question, wonderfully inquisitive. As I have pondered the answers, I believe love comes after:

TIME - Often teenagers run into the physical part of a relationship overlooking the aspect of time. I'm not talking about spending every waking moment together but time allows a couple to see if they are compatible. I remember having a boyfriend in high school who had the strangest laugh. His laugh was a combination of a witches' cackle and a girly giggle. It sent a shiver up my spine! It didn't take too long for me to realize I wasn't going to be able to ever crack a joke around him ever again. We weren't going to last forever. Needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter. Even though he was super cute, it wasn't going to work.

TRUST - Starting out as friends allows you to get to know each other without the pressure of romance and a relationship. By spending time together, couples begin to share things. They might tell the person things in confidence and learn whether this person is trustworthy or not. I meet many girls who have trusted boys prematurely and been badly hurt. By spending time together, you can judge if this person is worthy of your most treasured thoughts, feelings and dreams. Trust is something a person earns, don't give it away or settle for anything less than the best. 

SIMILAR BELIEFS AND INTERESTS - You don't need to have everything in common but it helps if you share mutually healthy habits and interests. Love can blossom when you find that the person likes the same things you do. My sister married a great guy who loves Florida State football as much as he does! He and I wouldn't have even made it through the first date because I'm not a big sports fan. They have a match made in heaven because this is one of many things they have in common.
ATTRACTION - "He's a great kisser and now I'm in love!" NOT! Those butterfly feelings are important but don't believe this is the only thing that's important. A guy's gotta have more than a pretty face and a killer bod. A girl should have a lot more to offer a guy than an hourglass figure.  

MUTUAL RESPECT - If you find that your bf/gf is saying or doing things which degrade or disrespect you, than it's not a healthy kind of love. If you find that the person you like has unhealthy or illegal habits, that it's not a good kind of love either. If you think you can change the person and make him/her better, you are going to be disappointed. 

What do you think? Did I leave anything out? I'd love to hear your thoughts and questions, too!