Now What?? - Chapter 3 of B.A.'s Story

So then what happened?

In my previous post, Chapter 2, I left off last with my attempt to confront my father since he learned that my boyfriend and I were having sex. I went into my dad’s room, slightly hyperventilating, almost begging for him to ground me or something to get it all over with.

Do you remember what he did instead? I’m standing in front of him… he wouldn’t even look at me. He just looked at the floor for a while and simply said, “Maybe we’ll talk tomorrow.”

What do you think is worse, when your parents say they’re angry with you or they’re disappointed in you? When I share my story with students, feel worse when their parents say they’re disappointment. Parents have a standard for us and it stinks when we feel like we have completely let them down. My dad was so quiet and distant with me. I was deeply distressed.

It was only 4:00 or 5:00 pm and I knew it was going to be a long night. I trudged down the hall and went in to my room. Then I called my boyfriend. “We’re in big trouble, Dad found out!” I screeched on the phone. “Oh, crap! What did he do?” he bumbled and I replied, “Nothing. Dad’s not looking at me or talking to me. He might talk to me tomorrow. He might kill me tomorrow… he’s definitely going to kill you soon.”

This was a pivotal moment because his response revealed my boyfriend’s true character. Do you think he said something like, “It’s okay, Babe. We’ll get through this together”? Even though you don’t know him I bet you can figure it out. His basic reaction was this, “Well… are we done? …Is it over?”

I didn’t really know what to say because I couldn’t really believe what I was hearing. I started to think to myself… well, I guess our relationship IS only based on sex… but hopefully we can stay together and work on all that other stuff. So I said, “I don’t think we need to break up but I’ll call you after my dad talks to me tomorrow.”

We did not break up on the phone but we had no clue what was around the corner. My life was changing, spinning out of control. I hated nearly everything about my life.

The next morning, after a fretful night of sleep, I woke up and approached my dad’s room. I was exhausted, nervous and anxious about what my dad would say since he basically hadn’t said anything to me since the night before.

I began my hyperventilating/talking thing again and this time he told me he had just cut the grass and he’d talk to me after he washed all the grass clippings off in the shower. I sat on the edge of his bed and waited for what seemed like an eternity. When he finally came and talked to me he did not make me break off the relationship. But he had an idea.

My dad decided that any time I wasn’t at school and he wasn’t at work we would be buddies. My dad started going everywhere with me. If my boyfriend asked me out, my dad went with us. Every teenage guy’s dream, right? NOT!

But, realistically that didn’t happen too often. My boyfriend wasn’t too thrilled about the three of us hanging out. So we didn’t see each other outside of school anymore. And how long do you think we lasted?

One hour?

A couple of weeks?

A lifetime?

Well, we broke up after a couple weeks of this new routine. I think we realized that we really had nothing in common and our relationship had no other foundation besides sex. I had not only lost my virginity but other things that were very precious to me…like the trust of my parents, self-respect and friends.

In my next post, I’ll show you graphs of my life. (PS. Things get better eventually!)

MY POINT: MY STORY ISN’T THAT UNCOMMON. BEOFRE YOU MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES, THINK ABOUT THE DIRECTION YOU WANT TO GO IN YOUR LIFE. RE-EXAMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE COMPLICATES THINGS. YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR!

Looking for my keys...Chapter 2 - B.A.'s Story

I’m sitting on my boyfriend’s couch and my cell phone rings. It was from my brother telling me to come home and move my car since it was blocking everyone in the driveway. No big deal, right? Not exactly…

My boyfriend drops me off at my house and I move my car. While I’m walking into the house, I run into my brother. He was on his way out and quickly said, “Hey, Dad’s upset about something… I don’t know what it is, but I’ve gotta go, so good luck.” I’m thinking, gee, thanks. My dad and I are close so I told my brother I’d just go talk to him and see what was up.

I was on my way up to my dad’s room to talk to him I ran into my mom on the stairs. She had this really serious look on her face….. one of those looks where you see a parent and you’re just like, uh-oh this isn’t going to be good. 

I could tell she wasn’t super angry or anything, it was just a serious moment. So my mom looks at me real seriously and quietly says, “Sweetie, I just want you to know….. your dad found some things in your room and now he knows what you and your boyfriend are doing.” I’ll go ahead and let you know that my dad found condoms and wrappers hidden in my room. My dad was in no way looking for evidence or anything. He was just looking for my car keys to move my car and suddenly my secret was revealed.

Standing on the stairs with my mother and the first thing that comes to mind is to fall down the stairs head-first. I wanted to die. I mostly wanted to confront my dad, get yelled at or grounded. Anything really would be all right with me, I just wanted to get it over with.

I thanked my mom for the warning and headed to my dad’s room again. By the way, when I get really nervous I forget to exhale. So with all the courage I could muster, I start talking to my dad…Words are coming out in short little bursts; kind of similar to someone really out of breath trying to tell a story. I had braced myself for the worst because I had no clue how my dad would react, I just knew it wasn’t going to be good. I was prepared for an explosion.But the problem was, my dad didn’t erupt with anger. Instead all I got was silence…What was I going to do?

We were just watching a movie...

I have always thought of myself as kind of an average girl. I have included a few pictures for your enjoyment and amusement. Feel free to giggle to yourself. I wasn’t exactly smoking/ hot or anything! I never dreamt of becoming a doctor or beauty queen, I just wanted to get through my day at school and talk to my best friend on the phone. We would talk about what some cute boy did at school that day or how many times we heard our favorite song on the way home from school. Then I would have dinner before doing homework and going to bed. My days were routine and I was completely okay with that.

I grew up in a family that moved every five years and we settled in a new town for middle school. Surprisingly, I survived those three years without much drama, no boyfriends, no dates or anything. I thought some guys were cute but that was about it.

But things gradually got more complicated in high school and sophomore year is when the pace became much faster.

One day, toward the end of my tenth grade year, a cute guy in one of my classes tapped me on the shoulder. Oh my gosh. I had no clue what he was going to say but I was excited that he wanted to talk to me. ME! So I was shocked that this popular, athletic guy wanted to speak to me in public. AND he actually asked me to go on a date. My face turned bright red and my jaw hit the floor. He casually asked me to grab some food and go see a movie.

Of course I said yes. I mean, hello, I was not about to turn down a popular, good looking football player! I was late to my next class because my best friend and I were celebrating in the stairwell… and I mean celebrating. When I told her who asked me out we were both jumping up and down, squealing like little girls. Needless to say, this was a big deal.

Our date was the typical dinner and movie thing. Nothing special. When asked me out again, of course I said yes. We dated the rest of sophomore year and through the summer. He was the only person I hung out with that summer. I was too much in love with him to pass up a second of time together. He often had football practice but other than that, we were always together.

Everything was going perfect or at least that I kept trying to believe. But I was changing and not for the better.

Toward the end of the summer we were hanging out at his parents’ house watching a movie in his room like normal when we started to make out. While the two of us were making out he kind of leans back to ask me something. I will never forget the look on his face. He looked at me and asked, “you wanna do it?”

Dream come true, right girls??

I actually thought about it for a minute. I sort of said to myself … well I really love him, we’ve been together for a while now, it would be really great if we got married…

So I said yes.

It wasn’t anything like the movies… it was awkward and embarrassing. His brother was in the next room. His parents were downstairs… Ew. But we were 15 and we snuck around. That’s a reality for a lot of teenagers.

Well, we dated throughout our junior year up to Spring Break. We went away on a trip with some friends and when we got home I dropped my bags off at my parents’ house. My boyfriend took me to his parents’ house and we were watching t.v. when I got a phone call. It was my big brother. He just said that my car was blocking the driveway and I needed to come home and move it. No big deal, right?

What I didn’t know is that phone call was going to change EVERYTHING…

Question from a Student

While speaking at a school recently, a student asked this question...

I thought it was a great question, wonderfully inquisitive. As I have pondered the answers, I believe love comes after:

TIME - Often teenagers run into the physical part of a relationship overlooking the aspect of time. I'm not talking about spending every waking moment together but time allows a couple to see if they are compatible. I remember having a boyfriend in high school who had the strangest laugh. His laugh was a combination of a witches' cackle and a girly giggle. It sent a shiver up my spine! It didn't take too long for me to realize I wasn't going to be able to ever crack a joke around him ever again. We weren't going to last forever. Needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter. Even though he was super cute, it wasn't going to work.

TRUST - Starting out as friends allows you to get to know each other without the pressure of romance and a relationship. By spending time together, couples begin to share things. They might tell the person things in confidence and learn whether this person is trustworthy or not. I meet many girls who have trusted boys prematurely and been badly hurt. By spending time together, you can judge if this person is worthy of your most treasured thoughts, feelings and dreams. Trust is something a person earns, don't give it away or settle for anything less than the best. 

SIMILAR BELIEFS AND INTERESTS - You don't need to have everything in common but it helps if you share mutually healthy habits and interests. Love can blossom when you find that the person likes the same things you do. My sister married a great guy who loves Florida State football as much as he does! He and I wouldn't have even made it through the first date because I'm not a big sports fan. They have a match made in heaven because this is one of many things they have in common.

 

ATTRACTION - "He's a great kisser and now I'm in love!" NOT! Those butterfly feelings are important but don't believe this is the only thing that's important. A guy's gotta have more than a pretty face and a killer bod. A girl should have a lot more to offer a guy than an hourglass figure.  

MUTUAL RESPECT - If you find that your bf/gf is saying or doing things which degrade or disrespect you, than it's not a healthy kind of love. If you find that the person you like has unhealthy or illegal habits, that it's not a good kind of love either. If you think you can change the person and make him/her better, you are going to be disappointed. 

What do you think? Did I leave anything out? I'd love to hear your thoughts and questions, too!

A Beautiful Story

Jason and Megan had been dating for two months when she got a nasty cold. Although they had been friends for two years before dating, she had never let him see her at anything less than the pinnacle of cuteness.  Jason called sick Meg and asked if there was anything he could do. 

Instead of trying to act like everything was ok and she was a strong, independent woman, she let him see the real Megan and in this case it meant showing him the pitiful wimp she becomes when she's sick. 

Meg asked Jason to bring her some orange juice. Jason drove 20 minutes across town to bring his new gf some juice. 

Meg opened the door post-nap. In flannel pajamas, her pony tailed hair askew from sleeping. She greeted him with bad breath and a hoarse voice that sounded more like a middle school boy going through puberty. Ew! Megan drank the juice, thanked Jason for it and while sitting on the couch, she ended up falling back asleep with him there.

So what did Jason do? Did he get angry and furious that he had driven across town only to have his woman fall asleep? Did he try something funny because after all he had done something nice for her? Did he gag in disgust when she'd momentarily wake up only to cough or blow her snotty nose?

No! Jason sat there on the couch with Megan, hanging out with her roommates he didn't know really well and stroked her hair as she slept. Now that's a quality man!

In past relationships, Megan tried to be the "sunny, happy" girl all the time. She never told boyfriends when she was sad/angry/self-conscious because she thought she had to be happy around guys all the time since she'd be more likable that way. 

With Jason, it was different. He made her happier than any person she had ever been with before. She also knew that if he did something to make her mad, she could tell him and know he wouldn't think less of her. It was a freeing realization and one that opened the door for her to show him the "real" Megan. "What a beautiful thing to know I'm loved for who I am, not the person I put on!" Megan recently shared. 

Megan and Jason got married in June. They had a romantic honeymoon in Belize. They are loving and here are some lessons she learned along the way.

1.  If you've ever been treated like gum in the past, break the cycle and wait for one who will cherish you for the beautiful person you are!

2.  Wait for the one who will drive across town to bring you orange juice when you're sick and not gag in disgust when you continuously cough/blog your snotty nose. 

3.  Find the one who never starts a sentence with, "if you lost a few pounds..." but instead says, "you're beautiful."

4.  Wait for the one who will go to plays and museums with you even if it's not something they like because it means a lot to you.

5.  Don't give up hope, there are good guys (and girls) out there. They're worth waiting for and so are you!

Got a story to share? Email me at cindy@lifecarenc.org, I want to hear it! 

Facebook Group

Our goal is to get 500 folks to join our facebook group Girls Aren't Gum.

Let everyone know you are down with respect and stuff!

B.A.'s working on making some flair for your flair wall and you know how important good flair is these days!

Come on ride da train! All aboard!

Purity Rings, Got a Problem???

The MTV Video Music Awards were on last night. Millions tuned in and saw the outrageous outfits, scandalous necklines, insane hairstyles and interesting moments. Millions also surely heard the lame comments made by the host, too. 

Today I heard about how Jordin Sparks  laid the smack down on VMA host Russell Brand following a stupid comment he said about the Jonas Brothers who each wear a purity ring on their left hand. 

I guess Brand finds these guys stupid. He thinks waiting to have sex until marriage is something to be mocked. I have chosen not to run the video clip of Brand's comments but trust me, what the bloke shared was offensive and not even remotely funny. 

Yeah, three pretty cute rock star guys who just happen to want to wait to have sex until marriage sounds completely stupid, huh? 

Perhaps Brand had a second of regret because when he came back on stage, he tried to say he didn't mean to be a jerk and the whole virginity things was "well done everyone" but added insult to injury with this quip. "It's just, a bit of sex occasionally never hurt anybody."

Really?

Hmmm, tell that to the high school girl who spoke to me after class and told me she had herpes. Tell that to the guy who cries himself to sleep at night because his girlfriend cheated on him. Explain that to a teenage girl who is overwhelmed by the news that her pregnancy test came back positive. I have met all three and many others with heartbreaking consequences. 

Apparently he hasn't met middle school girls who have terrible reputations because of their regretful decisions. Brand must have never sweated it out awaiting results on an HIV test either. And it would appear that this 33 year old guy does not know anyone who grieves the loss of a child they never got to meet due to an abortion. 

Russell Brand shows his real ignorance to the intensity of sexual relationships. His pathetic comments clearly demonstrate that he certainly thinks "Girls ARE Gum." Use them up, spit them out, it never hurt anybody, right? 

Considering Russell Brand himself has been in treatment for drug addiction AND sex addiction, I should think he'd have learned something by now.

What an idiot. 

It's really sad when the world insults people who make righteous choices. We should be applauding guys who treat themselves and others with respect. Folks, I've gotta tell you, that's something that deserves an award but you'll never see that on MTV.