Girls aren't Gum

Guys are people too

2009-05-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

Depending on the amount of days we will be at a school, we give students the opportunity to ask anonymous questions which we will answer in class.

Sometimes we get cool drawings...like this...

Occasionally we get more random pictures which make us smile

More often, though, students reveal deep concerns and worries. Today I thought I'd share with you a recent question and its source might surprise you. I have purposely omitted the student's name but here's the surprise.

It's from a guy.

WHAT? I thought guys didn't have any feelings? I thought guys were all just pervs!

Read this and then tell me what you think...

Guys are people too! Having sex is a big deal. Doing sexual things with a person is intense.

Here are five things to consider:

1. Guys can get pressured too. In the heat of a moment, a guy's body can certainly be saying "GO FOR IT!!!" and a guy's heart can be thinking that having sex is an ok thing. Isn't it interesting? A lot of girls think that guys don't care and that all they want is ONE thing.

2. Have friendships with people of the opposite sex and don't worry about having a bf/gf. This allows guys and girls to get to know each other without all the pressure of having a "relationship."

3. Spend time with girls and guys together in a public setting. Do fun things together but avoid situations where you would be alone and find yourself tempted again.

4. Have accountability with a parent, pastor, or other trusted adult. Allow them permission to ask you how you are doing with these things. Believe it or not, this can give you a measure of safety and confidence.

5. Think carefully about the kind of people you are attracting. If they are the kind of people who will pressure you into doing things you don't want to do, are they really worth your time?

Any other ideas or opinions are appreciated! We'd love to hear from you!

How Life Changed...

2009-05-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

I’ll be honest. This is probably the most embarrassing part of my story. Putting it all together and seeing the effects… it just makes me sad. Why did I do all of these things? All for some guy that I thought was cute?

Somehow my life completely went upside down and I became this strange, miserable version of myself.

This first graph is a visual of how my life was before I started dating that guy in high school.

The numbers on the left are just for the graph. They don’t really mean anything but they help complete the graph…

Oh, and btw, this is my first attempt at making graphs in Excel! I did pretty well, right? 

Well, if you have seen some of my pictures you will know I wasn’t the hottest thing around. But I had some friends and I was happy with it.

Popularity: My popularity was alright. Not scum of the earth, I guess I was somewhere in the middle.

Parties: The parties I went to were mostly chick flicks and watching popcorn with my girls. I lied a little about my grades. I was not a good student but I don’t recommend lying about anything because they always find out!!
My family life was alright. Had some issues and still do but all in all, it was alright.

This next graph is of my life with that guy and a little bit after we dated.

What do you notice?
A lot different, right?
My popularity went up because if you remember he was a cute, popular football player. I started hanging out with all the athletes and cheerleaders. But I became known for doing all those other things. I got called the icky names like a “garden utensil” among others.
The parties I was going to now were no longer chick flicks. They were parties where people drank alcohol and had sex. So this is why the drinking section of my life went up.
I was lying to my parents about everything. I did not want them to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing…
So my family life went down. I hung out with my boyfriend all the time and never wanted to be around my family for fear they would find out the truth.

There are two things this graph does not tell you.
I never got pregnant.
I never got a disease.

But like I said earlier, I became a strange miserable version of myself. I was not happy! I was probably the furthest from happy I have ever been. I thought this guy would make me feel good about myself but in reality, I felt worse. After we broke up it hit harder. I felt disgusting and unworthy of anything good.
My stupid habits stayed the same for a little longer.

But then something happened…

LaFonduh...

2009-04-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t met her yet, I’d like to introduce you to LaFonduh.

LaFonduh is a lovely girl and she desperately wants to fall in love. She is the:

The Popular Cheerleader

The Unseen Poet

The Quiet Genius and

The Rocker Chick

She is short.

She is tall.

She is gorgeous

and she is plain.

Sadly, she is often

Every Girl.

LaFonduh quickly falls in love

with guys at different schools. It doesn’t take long for LF to attach herself to a guy.

The more sexual stuff she does with a guy, the tighter the grip and the harder LF falls. Kissing, making out, whatever, LF is sure she is ready, certain that this guy is THE one and so she gives a little bit more of herself until she’s given everything away.

When that relationship doesn’t last, LF quickly surveys her school for the available guys. She’s on the prowl again, looking for a new boy to love and so the pattern repeats itself.

If you haven’t noticed, LaFonduh is a piece of tape; a piece of transparent packing tape but honestly she symbolizes what we see all the time as we go out and speak in schools about sex and stuff.

Although LaFonduh is tape, she really exists, if you know what I mean.

And when LF gets dumped, parts of her and that guy are left behind. She’s got some of him on her; he’s got some of her on him. There are tiny pieces of each other still left.

You should see how eager the guys are to get rid of clingy LaFonduh. She has turned

jealous and obsessive. She drives the poor guy crazy! Her whole world revolves around him and he feels like he can’t even breathe!

Recently when we were speaking in a school, one of the teenage guys ripped LF off his arm so fast you could hear the hairs being torn off. He was really hairy and look at what he left on LF. Ew!

And as gross as it is seeing all that hair, honestly, for some students, the residue left behind is far more intense and physical…pregnancy, sexual transmitted diseases and infections.

Hooking up with someone is not as carefree as some would like you to believe.

Sex, making out, really everything in between is a big deal. Kissing, touching, messing around, even doing sexual things with another person it's kind of like tape. It connects people and when a relationship is over, the stuff left behind is emotional…heartbreak, embarrassment,

and regret.

In our next post, I’ll share with you a story, edited for privacy reasons, of what recently happened to a girl who has felt like LaFonduh in real life.

You are worth waiting for. Sex is a big deal. Tell us what you think. Do you have a story and want to share? Write us and leave a comment.

Now What?? - Chapter 3 of B.A.'s Story

2009-04-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

So then what happened?

In my previous post, Chapter 2, I left off last with my attempt to confront my father since he learned that my boyfriend and I were having sex. I went into my dad’s room, slightly hyperventilating, almost begging for him to ground me or something to get it all over with.

Do you remember what he did instead? I’m standing in front of him… he wouldn’t even look at me. He just looked at the floor for a while and simply said, “Maybe we’ll talk tomorrow.”

What do you think is worse, when your parents say they’re angry with you or they’re disappointed in you? When I share my story with students, feel worse when their parents say they’re disappointment. Parents have a standard for us and it stinks when we feel like we have completely let them down. My dad was so quiet and distant with me. I was deeply distressed.

It was only 4:00 or 5:00 pm and I knew it was going to be a long night. I trudged down the hall and went in to my room. Then I called my boyfriend. “We’re in big trouble, Dad found out!” I screeched on the phone. “Oh, crap! What did he do?” he bumbled and I replied, “Nothing. Dad’s not looking at me or talking to me. He might talk to me tomorrow. He might kill me tomorrow… he’s definitely going to kill you soon.”

This was a pivotal moment because his response revealed my boyfriend’s true character. Do you think he said something like, “It’s okay, Babe. We’ll get through this together”? Even though you don’t know him I bet you can figure it out. His basic reaction was this, “Well… are we done? …Is it over?”

I didn’t really know what to say because I couldn’t really believe what I was hearing. I started to think to myself… well, I guess our relationship IS only based on sex… but hopefully we can stay together and work on all that other stuff. So I said, “I don’t think we need to break up but I’ll call you after my dad talks to me tomorrow.”

We did not break up on the phone but we had no clue what was around the corner. My life was changing, spinning out of control. I hated nearly everything about my life.

The next morning, after a fretful night of sleep, I woke up and approached my dad’s room. I was exhausted, nervous and anxious about what my dad would say since he basically hadn’t said anything to me since the night before.

I began my hyperventilating/talking thing again and this time he told me he had just cut the grass and he’d talk to me after he washed all the grass clippings off in the shower. I sat on the edge of his bed and waited for what seemed like an eternity. When he finally came and talked to me he did not make me break off the relationship. But he had an idea.

My dad decided that any time I wasn’t at school and he wasn’t at work we would be buddies. My dad started going everywhere with me. If my boyfriend asked me out, my dad went with us. Every teenage guy’s dream, right? NOT!

But, realistically that didn’t happen too often. My boyfriend wasn’t too thrilled about the three of us hanging out. So we didn’t see each other outside of school anymore. And how long do you think we lasted?

One hour?

A couple of weeks?

A lifetime?

Well, we broke up after a couple weeks of this new routine. I think we realized that we really had nothing in common and our relationship had no other foundation besides sex. I had not only lost my virginity but other things that were very precious to me…like the trust of my parents, self-respect and friends.

In my next post, I’ll show you graphs of my life. (PS. Things get better eventually!)

MY POINT: MY STORY ISN’T THAT UNCOMMON. BEOFRE YOU MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES, THINK ABOUT THE DIRECTION YOU WANT TO GO IN YOUR LIFE. RE-EXAMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE COMPLICATES THINGS. YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR!

Looking for my keys...Chapter 2 - B.A.'s Story

2009-03-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting on my boyfriend’s couch and my cell phone rings. It was from my brother telling me to come home and move my car since it was blocking everyone in the driveway. No big deal, right? Not exactly…

My boyfriend drops me off at my house and I move my car. While I’m walking into the house, I run into my brother. He was on his way out and quickly said, “Hey, Dad’s upset about something… I don’t know what it is, but I’ve gotta go, so good luck.” I’m thinking, gee, thanks. My dad and I are close so I told my brother I’d just go talk to him and see what was up.

I was on my way up to my dad’s room to talk to him I ran into my mom on the stairs. She had this really serious look on her face….. one of those looks where you see a parent and you’re just like, uh-oh this isn’t going to be good.

I could tell she wasn’t super angry or anything, it was just a serious moment. So my mom looks at me real seriously and quietly says, “Sweetie, I just want you to know….. your dad found some things in your room and now he knows what you and your boyfriend are doing.” I’ll go ahead and let you know that my dad found condoms and wrappers hidden in my room. My dad was in no way looking for evidence or anything. He was just looking for my car keys to move my car and suddenly my secret was revealed.

Standing on the stairs with my mother and the first thing that comes to mind is to fall down the stairs head-first. I wanted to die. I mostly wanted to confront my dad, get yelled at or grounded. Anything really would be all right with me, I just wanted to get it over with.

I thanked my mom for the warning and headed to my dad’s room again. By the way, when I get really nervous I forget to exhale. So with all the courage I could muster, I start talking to my dad…Words are coming out in short little bursts; kind of similar to someone really out of breath trying to tell a story. I had braced myself for the worst because I had no clue how my dad would react, I just knew it wasn’t going to be good. I was prepared for an explosion.But the problem was, my dad didn’t erupt with anger. Instead all I got was silence…What was I going to do?

We were just watching a movie...

2009-03-09T14:06:00.001-07:00

I have always thought of myself as kind of an average girl. I have included a few pictures for your enjoyment and amusement. Feel free to giggle to yourself. I wasn’t exactly smoking/ hot or anything! I never dreamt of becoming a doctor or beauty queen, I just wanted to get through my day at school and talk to my best friend on the phone. We would talk about what some cute boy did at school that day or how many times we heard our favorite song on the way home from school. Then I would have dinner before doing homework and going to bed. My days were routine and I was completely okay with that.

I grew up in a family that moved every five years and we settled in a new town for middle school. Surprisingly, I survived those three years without much drama, no boyfriends, no dates or anything. I thought some guys were cute but that was about it.

But things gradually got more complicated in high school and sophomore year is when the pace became much faster.

One day, toward the end of my tenth grade year, a cute guy in one of my classes tapped me on the shoulder. Oh my gosh. I had no clue what he was going to say but I was excited that he wanted to talk to me. ME! So I was shocked that this popular, athletic guy wanted to speak to me in public. AND he actually asked me to go on a date. My face turned bright red and my jaw hit the floor. He casually asked me to grab some food and go see a movie.

Of course I said yes. I mean, hello, I was not about to turn down a popular, good looking football player! I was late to my next class because my best friend and I were celebrating in the stairwell… and I mean celebrating. When I told her who asked me out we were both jumping up and down, squealing like little girls. Needless to say, this was a big deal.

Our date was the typical dinner and movie thing. Nothing special. When asked me out again, of course I said yes. We dated the rest of sophomore year and through the summer. He was the only person I hung out with that summer. I was too much in love with him to pass up a second of time together. He often had football practice but other than that, we were always together.

Everything was going perfect or at least that I kept trying to believe. But I was changing and not for the better.

Toward the end of the summer we were hanging out at his parents’ house watching a movie in his room like normal when we started to make out. While the two of us were making out he kind of leans back to ask me something. I will never forget the look on his face. He looked at me and asked, “you wanna do it?”

Dream come true, right girls??

I actually thought about it for a minute. I sort of said to myself … well I really love him, we’ve been together for a while now, it would be really great if we got married…

So I said yes.

It wasn’t anything like the movies… it was awkward and embarrassing. His brother was in the next room. His parents were downstairs… Ew. But we were 15 and we snuck around. That’s a reality for a lot of teenagers.

Well, we dated throughout our junior year up to Spring Break. We went away on a trip with some friends and when we got home I dropped my bags off at my parents’ house. My boyfriend took me to his parents’ house and we were watching t.v. when I got a phone call. It was my big brother. He just said that my car was blocking the driveway and I needed to come home and move it. No big deal, right?

What I didn’t know is that phone call was going to change EVERYTHING…

Question from a Student

2008-11-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

While speaking at a school recently, a student asked this question...

I thought it was a great question, wonderfully inquisitive. As I have pondered the answers, I believe love comes after:

TIME - Often teenagers run into the physical part of a relationship overlooking the aspect of time. I'm not talking about spending every waking moment together but time allows a couple to see if they are compatible. I remember having a boyfriend in high school who had the strangest laugh. His laugh was a combination of a witches' cackle and a girly giggle. It sent a shiver up my spine! It didn't take too long for me to realize I wasn't going to be able to ever crack a joke around him ever again. We weren't going to last forever. Needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter. Even though he was super cute, it wasn't going to work.

TRUST - Starting out as friends allows you to get to know each other without the pressure of romance and a relationship. By spending time together, couples begin to share things. They might tell the person things in confidence and learn whether this person is trustworthy or not. I meet many girls who have trusted boys prematurely and been badly hurt. By spending time together, you can judge if this person is worthy of your most treasured thoughts, feelings and dreams. Trust is something a person earns, don't give it away or settle for anything less than the best.

SIMILAR BELIEFS AND INTERESTS - You don't need to have everything in common but it helps if you share mutually healthy habits and interests. Love can blossom when you find that the person likes the same things you do. My sister married a great guy who loves Florida State football as much as he does! He and I wouldn't have even made it through the first date because I'm not a big sports fan. They have a match made in heaven because this is one of many things they have in common.

ATTRACTION - "He's a great kisser and now I'm in love!" NOT! Those butterfly feelings are important but don't believe this is the only thing that's important. A guy's gotta have more than a pretty face and a killer bod. A girl should have a lot more to offer a guy than an hourglass figure.

MUTUAL RESPECT - If you find that your bf/gf is saying or doing things which degrade or disrespect you, than it's not a healthy kind of love. If you find that the person you like has unhealthy or illegal habits, that it's not a good kind of love either. If you think you can change the person and make him/her better, you are going to be disappointed.

What do you think? Did I leave anything out? I'd love to hear your thoughts and questions, too!

A Beautiful Story

2008-09-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

Jason and Megan had been dating for two months when she got a nasty cold. Although they had been friends for two years before dating, she had never let him see her at anything less than the pinnacle of cuteness. Jason called sick Meg and asked if there was anything he could do.

Instead of trying to act like everything was ok and she was a strong, independent woman, she let him see the real Megan and in this case it meant showing him the pitiful wimp she becomes when she's sick.

Meg asked Jason to bring her some orange juice. Jason drove 20 minutes across town to bring his new gf some juice.

Meg opened the door post-nap. In flannel pajamas, her pony tailed hair askew from sleeping. She greeted him with bad breath and a hoarse voice that sounded more like a middle school boy going through puberty. Ew! Megan drank the juice, thanked Jason for it and while sitting on the couch, she ended up falling back asleep with him there.

So what did Jason do? Did he get angry and furious that he had driven across town only to have his woman fall asleep? Did he try something funny because after all he had done something nice for her? Did he gag in disgust when she'd momentarily wake up only to cough or blow her snotty nose?

No! Jason sat there on the couch with Megan, hanging out with her roommates he didn't know really well and stroked her hair as she slept. Now that's a quality man!

In past relationships, Megan tried to be the "sunny, happy" girl all the time. She never told boyfriends when she was sad/angry/self-conscious because she thought she had to be happy around guys all the time since she'd be more likable that way.

With Jason, it was different. He made her happier than any person she had ever been with before. She also knew that if he did something to make her mad, she could tell him and know he wouldn't think less of her. It was a freeing realization and one that opened the door for her to show him the "real" Megan. "What a beautiful thing to know I'm loved for who I am, not the person I put on!" Megan recently shared.

Megan and Jason got married in June. They had a romantic honeymoon in Belize. They are loving and here are some lessons she learned along the way.

1. If you've ever been treated like gum in the past, break the cycle and wait for one who will cherish you for the beautiful person you are!

2. Wait for the one who will drive across town to bring you orange juice when you're sick and not gag in disgust when you continuously cough/blog your snotty nose.

3. Find the one who never starts a sentence with, "if you lost a few pounds..." but instead says, "you're beautiful."

4. Wait for the one who will go to plays and museums with you even if it's not something they like because it means a lot to you.

5. Don't give up hope, there are good guys (and girls) out there. They're worth waiting for and so are you!

Got a story to share? Email me at cindy@lifecarenc.org, I want to hear it!

Facebook Group

2008-09-10T04:59:00.001-07:00

Our goal is to get 500 folks to join our facebook group Girls Aren't Gum.

Let everyone know you are down with respect and stuff!

B.A.'s working on making some flair for your flair wall and you know how important good flair is these days!

Come on ride da train! All aboard!

Purity Rings, Got a Problem???

2008-09-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

The MTV Video Music Awards were on last night. Millions tuned in and saw the outrageous outfits, scandalous necklines, insane hairstyles and interesting moments. Millions also surely heard the lame comments made by the host, too.

Today I heard about how Jordin Sparks laid the smack down on VMA host Russell Brand following a stupid comment he said about the Jonas Brothers who each wear a purity ring on their left hand.

I guess Brand finds these guys stupid. He thinks waiting to have sex until marriage is something to be mocked. I have chosen not to run the video clip of Brand's comments but trust me, what the bloke shared was offensive and not even remotely funny.

Yeah, three pretty cute rock star guys who just happen to want to wait to have sex until marriage sounds completely stupid, huh?

Perhaps Brand had a second of regret because when he came back on stage, he tried to say he didn't mean to be a jerk and the whole virginity things was "well done everyone" but added insult to injury with this quip. "It's just, a bit of sex occasionally never hurt anybody."

Really?

Hmmm, tell that to the high school girl who spoke to me after class and told me she had herpes. Tell that to the guy who cries himself to sleep at night because his girlfriend cheated on him. Explain that to a teenage girl who is overwhelmed by the news that her pregnancy test came back positive. I have met all three and many others with heartbreaking consequences.

Apparently he hasn't met middle school girls who have terrible reputations because of their regretful decisions. Brand must have never sweated it out awaiting results on an HIV test either. And it would appear that this 33 year old guy does not know anyone who grieves the loss of a child they never got to meet due to an abortion.

Russell Brand shows his real ignorance to the intensity of sexual relationships. His pathetic comments clearly demonstrate that he certainly thinks "Girls ARE Gum." Use them up, spit them out, it never hurt anybody, right?

Considering Russell Brand himself has been in treatment for drug addiction AND sex addiction, I should think he'd have learned something by now.

What an idiot.

It's really sad when the world insults people who make righteous choices. We should be applauding guys who treat themselves and others with respect. Folks, I've gotta tell you, that's something that deserves an award but you'll never see that on MTV.

Sex and Chocolate?

2008-09-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

Since starting this blog, I am even more watchful of the messages that celebrities decide to share. So it comes as no surprise that another Hollywood star has proclaimed more stupid stuff for the world to hear.

Teri Hatcher, actress in the hit series Desperate Housewives, was interviewed for the October issue of Glamour UK and has a few things she wants her daughter and the world to know.

I like a few of her suggestions.

Eat chocolate (brilliant!)

Floss your teeth (cha)

The sun will rise tomorrow (slightly cheesy and kind of reminds me of the movie Annie but ok...)

Don't sit on public potty seats (ew!)

But there was one piece of "wisdom" Ms. Hatcher gave which I question. This Desperate Housewives star apparently tells her daughter, "have great sex."

Oh boy, I can only imagine the hugs and joy that Emerson, her 10 year old girl, had when her mama gave her that little nugget of knowledge! I mean, we all know 10 year old girls LOVE to have awkward conversations with their parents about VERY intimate things, huh? What child do you know that wouldn't want to hear, "have great sex" over "I love you" and other cornball words like that?

Another thing Ms. Hatcher recomends is not sitting on public toilet seats. This is interesting to me. I bet the reason Teri Hatcher advises her daughter not to sit on public potty seats is not only can they be very gross but also because you can catch a disease like hepatitis from a toilet seat and not even know it was there. Hmmm...according to the Centers for Disease Control, one of our every four sexually active teenage girls contracts a sexually transmitted disease. Most STD/STIs don't even have symptoms and many can't be seen. Do you see a similarity there?

So let me see, Ms. Hatcher tells her 10 year old daughter to have great sex but has she given her any boundaries? What do you think are the chances that this single Hollywood mom has bothered to tell her little girl that the best place to have great sex is in marriage? I'd wager a big bar of Ghirardelli chocolate that she has conveniently overlooked that part of the sentence.

There are some missing parts of that conversation, Ms. Hatcher. Sure, sex is a good thing but in case you haven't noticed, it can also be really complicated. Sex is intense and wonderful and also very serious. There are consequences and risks that extend far beyond pregnancy and diseases.

I'm sure Ms. Hatcher is a loving mom but if she wants to impart helpful advice to her daughter or anyone else for that matter, she needs to floss her brain before speaking and tell her the rest of the story.

Celebrities and Their Virginity

2008-09-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have a question for you and I want you to be totally honest. Do you really care when a celebrity loses her or his virginity?

I don't but maybe that's just me.

Apparently I'm in the minority though because in this month's issue of the magazine Details, Daniel Radcliffe aka "Harry Potter," is sharing intimate details about his first sexual experience.

I wonder what the magazine would have done if when interviewed, Radcliffe said in his charming British accent. "I'm waiting to have sex until marriage. I'm not cashing in my V-Card until my wedding night."

Talk about scandalous! Wouldn't that be out of this world INSANE??

Why is it that we need to read about all the sordid details of a 19 year old guy's first sexual encounter three years ago? Why does the world just expect a teenage celebrity to have already gotten his freak on? I'm ticked!

You'll never hear the things that we encounter all the time from 16 year girls and guys who have had sex. Those stories won't make a magazine, they are from just everyday teenagers who have learned the hard way that sex is complicated. Sometimes they tell us they had sex with a person their own age, other times it's with someone "much older," as this actor has apparently experienced. Why do we applaud this behavior and not teach guys to hold onto a higher standard?

This blog is devoted to encouraging readers to consider themselves worthy of honor. Girls and guys. Women and men.

I wonder if Mr. Radcliffe worried about any consequences. Pregnancy? Regrets? Sexual transmitted diseases and infections? Feelings of emptiness and depression? Friends, you won't hear those things, that stuff is "private," I suppose.

Talk to me, what do you think?

First post

2008-09-04T04:24:00.000-07:00

Hey friends!

We are really excited to get this party started! Woo hoo! However you found us, welcome! Thanks for stopping by!

What our blog is:

A place to encourage

A place to share

A place to offer insights and perspective

What our blog isn't:

A place to bash guys

A place to be gross or disgusting

A place to put down others

After speaking to thousands of students throughout the county and state about love, sex and relationships, we wanted to keep the conversation going. We see so many hurting students, so many young people needing some support, we thought this was a way to reach out.

In the upcoming posts, we hope to give you all motivation about making healthy decisions. My buddy and fellow blogger B.A. will share her story her love story complete with the not-so great parts. I will post about some of our experiences out there speaking to young people and of course, your own stories are welcome.

We look forward to getting the word out there and hearing from you!